Catching the Contagion of Panic

Monday, Oct 6, 2008

Tonight I was shaking with cold terror. I really was cold from it.
I had caught the fear that seems to be a contagion on Wall Street. My whole picture of reality has turned upside down. I realized that I had been distracted this last month, not paying attention to the financial situation and its repercussions; not registering my vulnerability in having assets in the stock market; not taking action to get those assets out soon enough.

This realization spiraled into a web that spun me into total panic and propelled me back into the throws of worst case scenario visions that seem to be just under the surface of the collective consciousness. It was the giant reckoning of the second depression. This was the ultimate ‘other shoe’ that might drop and proof that dreams can’t be realized. The possibility of creating anything for the future is wiped out. From this perspective, there seems to be only desolation, and hopelessness. I saw no way out of the problem, and no consolation once the worst has happened. My perception of my reality was very clear and stark.

Then I progressed into the retribution stage.
How could I have let this happen?! How could I have spent money on my home remodel? Yes, I had great plan and hope for the future, for new work, etc. but Now I may not get the chance to realize any of it. How could I have been so blind to this timing? Why did I not stay alert to the economic situation and how it was changing over time? After all my committment to listening to my intuition, how did I overlook it this time?

I know that I am feeling the panic of the collective psyche. I think most of us are. The actions that are being taken to sell stocks at immense loss just to get out of the market, is a reflection of the devastation that fear can wreak. It can grab hold of you; building on itself, until it becomes an enveloping nightmare that squeezes the future out of you. When you are gripped by it, it seems like there is no place to look except into its nightmare reality. I ‘know’ that’s not the truth, but I haven’t gotten out of this morass yet. I’m working on it.